Parenthood: A Snap Shot

My kids are great. Self-centered, ill-mannered, and sticky, but great.

I mean if you saw my two year old after he’s eaten a piece of pizza, you would swear he just dined on a gazelle with his fellow lion cubs.

Neither of my sons have the ability to look at anything through other peoples perspectives. It’s great. I’m in the kitchen making lunch for them, drop something in my toe, and the response is “lunch is taking too long”.

My 5 year old’s manners are getting better. He still feels the need to tell me when he farts, and just the other day he came up to me and showed me something on his finger, it was about the size of a small pebble and off white in color. Apparently I was supposed to get rid of it for him. I said “what is that?”, he replied “I don’t know”. I said “where did it come from?”, he said “my mouth”. So I said “smell it”. He smelled it and told me it smelled like puke. A wet burp, mystery solved. But it is my two year old that is worse. He will routinely drop food from the table and try to eat it like a dog off of the floor. I’m a proud papa!

I’m no saint though. A little while back I decided it was a good idea to tell my son that vampires don’t only bite you when you’re asleep, but they will also attack you when you’re awake…

Let me explain. We were in a restaurant and the topic of vampires came up somehow. My son says “Vampires bite you when you’re asleep, right dad?”. I said “They don’t just bite you when you are asleep, they will bite when you are awake too.” I was oblivious to what I was suggesting until my wife starting laughing so hard she was almost crying. She did manage to blurt out “Real good parenting there dad”.

They are really naive too. I was playing Skylanders with my oldest and he called me a genius for solving a puzzle. Genius, a GENIUS. Finally someone sees my awesomeness.