The Delusions of Teenagerdom

I remember when I was 17 and knew it all. I still do, but at 17 I was smaller.

Why is it that teenagers think they have it all figured out? It’s hilarious, if you don’t believe me just observe a group of teenagers for a bit. Not in some creepy way that has the police tapping you on your shoulder – be careful of that, it isn’t pleasant – but you know, just take notice.

One thing you will notice is that they treat anyone in their late 20’s and up as idiots. Like we are completely unaware of what life as a teenager is like. That we were never a teenager and couldn’t possibly get what is going on. And they may be right, because we live in different worlds. We, the “idiots”, live in reality, and they live in some deluded utopia where personal interests are the only thing that matters. It’s kind of like when they are 5 and lack the ability to use empathy. Somewhere along the line between 5 and 12 they learn it, but when they hit their teens all that shit goes out the window. All of a sudden every piece of knowledge that could ever be known gets implanted into their brains. They have no use for anyone but themselves and their fellow species, who have also come into this “knowing” of everything. So, they are right that we are idiots. Idiots to their world. We have left it behind (most of us) and only remember how stupid we were as teenagers. Seriously, when I think about what I thought I knew when I was a teenager, I just smirk and shake my head, which usually weirds out anyone who notices.

Another thing you’ll notice is that they are oblivious to the world around them. It usually doesn’t matter where they are. Whatever they are doing is all that matters. They own the world and no one else exists. Whatever they are talking about needs to be talked about loudly, no matter the subject or surroundings. Again, I’m reminded of a 5 year old. Only I prefer the topics that a 5 year old talks about; superheroes, ducks, crayons, the man that helps mommy in the bedroom when daddy is at work… No one gives a fuck about what a teenager is talking about. Least of all everyone on the bus that isn’t your friend.

If you happen to notice the funniest thing of all, then you have witnessed teenage drama. It’s a caricature of reality. Which might explain why so many teenagers love reality shows. Whenever I have the privilege of listening to some loudly spoken teenage drama where the main problem is that some guy won’t stop talking to other girls, or *gasp* worse, his ex keeps calling him, It takes a lot of mental will to stop myself from clawing my eyes out. Have you ever seen the look on a teenagers face when you tell them that their life hasn’t even started? Pure awesome. A better approach might be to say this: “Listen, that guy who doesn’t know how to treat you right doesn’t really matter. He’s only after one thing. Guys your age are idiots who know nothing about the world. Do yourself a favor and save dating for when you are older. Men are only a bit better, but you’ll be smarter. Do this, or risk being his next ex that won’t stop calling him.” That will never work.

And the guys? Holy fuck, listening to the guys is almost like listening to half retarded bears roar at each other, but in slow motion. Fuck me. “Roooooaaaaarrrrr, ‘girls name’ rrrooooooaaahhhr …hahaha he was hit in the balls rrroooaaaaaaaaaaaaaar.” These are the guys teenage girls have to deal with. But their too stupid to realize that. It’s one of the side effects of having every piece of knowledge that could ever be known implanted into your brain.

I don’t want to come off like teenagers bug me. Don’t get me wrong, most of them do, but I can sympathize. I’ve been there. And like them, I had no idea that I was a complete douche bag that didn’t realize that I owe the world, no one owed me anything, and that what I knew as reality would be nothing but a hilarious memory. You have to laugh at yourself right?

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